Trump Speak

A guide to understanding Trumpspeak:

“It’s gonna be incredible.” = I haven’t thought about it—it’s in the future.

“It’s gonna be fantastic.” = I briefly thought about it, but will forget about it once my circadian rhythm resets.

“It’s gonna be terrific.” = I’ve passed it along to Congress, so blame them when it fails.

“It’s gonna be huge.” = It will be flashy and tacky.

“It’s gonna be so huge.” = It will be flashy and tacky, with gold lettering.

“Experts say .?.?. ” = Sean Hannity said . . .

“Everyone’s saying .?.?. ” = Someone in the Fox News comments section said .?.?.

“I’ve been hearing .?.?. ” = Barr told me .?.?.

“I’ve been seeing .?.?. ” = Ivanka showed me .?.?.

“A lot of people.” = Me.

“Facts.” = 1. Statements not yet verified by conspiracy theorists. 2. Statements—often from scientists—with no profit motive.

“Lies.” = 1. Statements about me colluding with Russia. 2. Un-airbrushed facts.

“Sad” = 1. All-purpose, monosyllabic expression of distress, remonstration, condemnation, anger, frustration, pique, or calumny. If tweeted, “Sad” appears as a single-word sentence fragment, followed by an exclamation point. As an utterance, it is shouted as if one is an umpire. 2. Rare, archaic: sorrowful.

“I have all the best words.” = I cornered the market on some top-of-the-line monosyllabic words in a leveraged buyout.

“I’ve always been a good student.” = I attended school.

“I’m hard at work.” = I’m golfing alone.

“I’m working hard.” = I’m golfing with others.

“I’m not being investigated.” = It’s not an investigation if the detective isn’t wearing dark glasses and a fedora.

“He’s straight outta Central Casting.” = He’s a tall, straight, lantern-jawed white man.

“He’s the perfect man for the job.” = He’ll be great at obliterating the department he’s heading.

“He’s doing an incredible job.” = He works for me, and he’s a terrific liar.

“He’s done an incredible job.” = He doesn’t lie as well as he used to, and may soon be fired.

“He’s a disappointment.” = Due to his slavish devotion to ethics, he’s been fired.

“He’s somewhat disappointing.” = I don’t like his beta-male looks and behavior, and, besides, he’s low-energy.

“He’s a good kid.” = I don’t like his beta-male looks and behavior, but both Ivana and the paternity test say he’s my son.

“He’s a good man.” = I don’t know the guy, but he’s right here in front of me, smiling.

“He’s an excellent man.” = He may be smarter than me, but that does not make me dumber than him.

“Women.” = Blondes.

“Nasty women.” = Women whose blondness has been revoked due to: a) childbirth; b) middle age; c) policy knowledge and/or general knowledge; d) court settlements; e) high-heel abstinence

“Americans.” = People in states that voted for me.

“People.” = White people.

“Fine people.” = White supremacists.

“Those people.” = People in countries that I’ve never heard of.

“Those ungrateful people.” = Black people.

“Those happy people.” = People on islands surrounded by big water who are claiming to be Americans, yet complaining to me about something.

“Paris.” = Europe.

“Europe.” = An entire continent of blue states.

“Angela Merkel.” = German Hillary.

“Justin Trudeau.” = Canadian Emmanuel Macron.

“Emmanuel Macron.” = Young, French, non-Kenyan Obama.

“Globalists.” = All non-Jared Jews.

“Thugs.” = All non-Ben Carson black people.

“Illegals.” = All non-Ricardo Montalban Mexicans.

“Terrorists” = All non-Saudi Muslims.