About 15 years ago, I had to replace my fire extinguisher because the old one had expired, and its gauge indicated that it no longer held the full charge necessary for optimal use. After I bought a new one, I put the old one oldside to be recycled or properly disposed. My landlord came over and brought it in. He asked me why I was getting rid of it, and I pointed to the gauge that clearly indicated that the extinguisher was not fully charged. My landlord said, "That don't mean nothin'!" He insisted that the extinguisher worked fine, and "proved" it to me by squirting it inside the living room.
Nevertheless, I did not want to keep it and I showed him that I had bought a new one. Since I didn't want the undercharged fire extinguisher, the landlord said, "Alright; I'll take it."
Over 20 years ago, I was having a phone conversation with a friend. I mentioned to him that I had just watched a fascinating documentary about how scientists were studying various ways to slow down the aging process. My friend (who did not see the program) said "That's all bullshit!"
He must be incredibly smart to instantly deduce that it's "all bullshit" from the one-sentence description I had given him!
This is the same genius who I mentioned in two other stories on this thread: the one with the "Set your alarm" advice and also the one who failed to grasp my point about John Wayne.
Suppose you're an idiot and you want to go shopping, and you arrive at a store 2 minutes before their posted closing time. Upon dicovering that the front door is locked from the inside, you yell and pound on the door! "Open until 8 PM" means open until 8 PM! It's an outrage that they won't let you into the store when it's officially supposed to be open!
When a friend of mine was having his car serviced, he overheard one of the garage's employees say "These milleniums don't even know what they're protesting!"
I was never a fan of John Wayne. A few years ago I learned that the Duke was a white supremacist, so now I like him even less.
About 20 years ago, I did not yet know about John Wayne's overt racism, but I knew that he was a warmonger. I had learned all those years ago that although Wayne was a warmonger, he never served in any war or even tried to enlist. He was a hypocrite on top of it all!
Shortly after having learned about John Wayne's hypocrisy, I mentioned it to a friend in a phone conversation. I said: "Did you know that John Wayne never once enlisted in any branch of the military?"
My dimwit friend replied: "So? You never enlisted in any branch of the military either!"
I'm a middle class white male boomer who, in the US public school system, read "1984", "Animal Farm", "The Prince" and other books under the guidance of teachers who had read "It can't happen here" and "All the Kings Men" etc. With WWII still in mind our History teachers explained fascisms' rise in Spain under Franco, Italy under Mussolini and Germany under the Big H. We were innoculated but, Hell... we were cut from different stuff than those European lemmings, we were individuals who could spot assholes from a mile a way and buck the dumbell groups that followed them. Roll forward about 50 years and... Trump!?
Not only that but, and I swear I'm not making this up, the whole county lived under what felt like a four year Jerry Springer special on a trailer park trash circus lead by a pathological liar and sociopath who even _vogued_ as Mussolini and... wait for it, here comes the stupid part... 75 million of them voted to re-elect him.
I've learned a long time ago to never be smug about either my country or my time period.
When reading or hearing about naive attitudes or unintelligent choices made by people in a distant land, I can never say to myself, "People in my country would never do that because we're much smarter or more civilized here!" No, lots of people in my country are just as stupid as anywhere else in the world. (In fact, since the Trump era, I've come to think that maybe my country could have a higher share of stupid people than most other countries.)
Also, when hearing stories about people in long-ago time periods, some people are quick to say something to the effect of: "People sure were stupid back in those days!" Well, guess what? People today are not any smarter! If anyone says to me: "People in the old days believed in witchcraft!" I would respond with: "Hey! Have you not heard about all the religious nuts of today who get themselves bent out of shape over Harry Potter books?"
Also, racism, McCarthyism equivalents and other sorts of scapegoating are all very much still here today, and as strong as ever!
This story is about a stupid piece of computer software. In the 1980's, my family owned a Commodore computer (a popular home computer before PCs eclipsed them). I remember playing a poorly designed trivia game on that was included on a floppy disc. One of the questions was: "Who was the author of 'Hamlet'?"
I typed: "William Shakespeare".
The computer responded: "Wrong. The correct answer is: Shakespeare."
On that particular question, if you type the author's last name only, the computer says you're right. If you type the author's full name, the computer says you're wrong.
Years ago, I was having a wisdom tooth removed. The dentist gave me an insufficient amount of novacain before she started working on me, so I was not numb. When she stuck me with a sharp instrument, the pain was so intense that I jumped up out of the chair!
The dentist said, "Sir, you're going to have to sit still."
Of course, without sufficient novacain, I couldn't sit still. Why the hell did she think I jumped out of the chair?
Here is a paraphrased conversation I had several years ago with a conspiracy nut.
CONSPIRACY NUT: "They have a cure for cancer but they're keeping it a secret because they want to keep making money from chemo treatments."
ME: "In order for that to be true, it would mean that..."
CONSPIRACY NUT: "Of course it's true! They can't make money from chemo treatments any more if cancer goes away, so they don't want us to know that they have a cure."
ME: "But for that to be true, every..."
CONSPIRACY NUT: "It is true! Why would they want to cure cancer if they know they can make more money with chemo treatments?"
ME: "But in order for a cure to be kept a secret, there would..."
CONSPIRACY NUT: "It's true! It's definitely true! Don't you know how much money they make from chemo treatments?"
That conspiracy nut is a first-class debater! He eloquently refuted my argument by constantly interrupting me so that I couldn't state what it was. (Has anyone else had a similar discussion with a conspiracy nut?)
Years ago, I worked for a very high-strung and uptight boss. She often freaked out over innocent jokes and harmless playful quips. (I never told ethnic jokes, nor did I ever use vulgarity or insult humor of any kind.) She once said to me, "You're not being paid to fool around all day."
My job was running recreation activities for residents in an adult home.
So, if anyone else wants my old position, be aware that you must always be serious and somber when you're running Bingo games, doings arts and crafts, playing board games or putting together jigsaw puzzles. Humor of any kind will be seen as "inappropriate" and "unprofessional".
P.S. There was one occasion when this same boss suggested that I talk to a psychiatrist or therapist about my habit of cracking jokes.
Decades ago, I was browsing in a small thrift shop and I found a cardboard box filled with neatly folded men's shirts. I started to look through the box to see if there was any shirt that I might want to buy. The shirts in the box were various sizes, colors and styles; so I had to rummage through them to see if there was any shirt that I might want. An elderly female employee suddenly asked me to stop looking through the box because she had spent a lot of time carefully folding and stacking the assortment of shirts.
I said nothing, as I didn't know if it was possible to explain the absurdity of her request. How did she expect any customer to buy a shirt from that box if it was such a high priority to keep it neat? Maybe she would have liked the shirts to have been left untouched indefinitely, never to be purchased by anyone, because keeping them neat was much more important than selling any of them.
DITTOHEAD SAID BILL CLINTON INHERITED REAGAN'S ECONOMY
I used to ride buses a lot during the 1990's. I occasionally encountered a talkative dittohead who routinely spouted some ridiculous pro-Republican and anti-Democratic opinions.
On one occasion, I overheard the dittohead saying that people who had been giving credit to then-President Bill Clinton for a good economy were failing to realize that Bill Clinton did nothing for the economy: he totally inherited a strong economy from Ronald Reagan.
So, if that gentleman's history is correct, Bill Clinton's presidency began immediately after the Reagan presidency; and the economy was doing great since Day 1 of the Clinton presidency because it was a continuation of the economy strengthened by the previous administration: that of Ronald Reagan.
Years ago, a co-worker told me that after having seen Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911", he came to realize what a terrible "bum" then-President George W. Bush was. Had he known, he said he never would have voted for him.
I asked this fellow if there was something that he had liked about Bush when he had voted for him. He replied, "Not really." Then I asked if there was something he disliked about Al Gore. Same answer: "Not really." I suggested to this gentleman that before the next election, he could take some time to examine the local newspaper's voters' guide to learn about all the candidates' positions and records.
Bit of a sad one here. Sitting down in an open-air cafe, I was joined by a man clearly suffering mental health problems. He was quite friendly but seemed lonely and anxious and after a while he began telling me about all this wisdom he'd learned from a certain website. It was clear to me that this was far-right conspiracy stuff, all jumbled up with astrology and other kookbabble - also clear that he had no real handle on it whatsoever, didn't even realise it was antisemitic. He just wanted to be in the know about something, and to have friends and affection (everything about him screamed this). He'd come out with his theories the night before in a pub and unsurprisingly someone had punched him. I suggested he start looking at a wider range of websites for his information, but of course he'll just find similar sites.
Despite the hatefulness of the ideas he'd picked up, I couldn't feel anger towards him, just pity. Give him a few more years and he'll be completely groomed and probably leading antivax protests. He was British but he made me wonder how many MAGA are this type, deep down under all the macho shouting: sad, lonely and dysfunctional.
When you're being tailgated, drive to a railroad crossing a minute or two before the next train is due. Stop just a few feet past the tracks, leaving the tailgater right on the tracks.
Wait for the train to come, and... ***WHAM!*** One less tailgater.
P.S. One time I stopped at a crosswalk while a large group of people crossed the street. The driver behind me obnoxiously honked the horn in a long, sustained honk to try to get me to move. Should I have run over the people in the crosswalk because the driver behind me didn't want to wait?
An individual once told me that in spelling, it's always "I before E except after C unless sounded like A as in neighbor and weigh."
I told him that there are a few exceptions, such as the word "seize" which is spelled with the E first. The self-proclaimed spelling wiz adamantly insisted that "seize" is spelled with the I first. I then got out a dictionary and showed him that the word is spelled with the E before the I.
In the early 90s I took a bargain flight from JFK to Paris on an Indian or Pakistani airline.
I had an allocated seat near the front of the plane. To my surprise when I went to put on the seat belt, I found it wouldn't fasten. Looking around, I saw no other available seats on the plane. Surely we can't take off with a broken seat belt, can we?
When I pointed this out to a steward, he reassured me that everything was okay by repeating, "No problem! No problem!" several times. I flew to Paris with no seatbelt.
Something to remember in the future. Some problems can be magically solved merely by repeating the words, "No problem!"
I noticed that in one area someone had broken a wine glass and there were pieces of glass on the floor. I thought I'd better point this out to the barista.
The response? That's going to get vaccumed at the end of the day.
FIRE EXTINGUISHER "EXPERT"
About 15 years ago, I had to replace my fire extinguisher because the old one had expired, and its gauge indicated that it no longer held the full charge necessary for optimal use. After I bought a new one, I put the old one oldside to be recycled or properly disposed. My landlord came over and brought it in. He asked me why I was getting rid of it, and I pointed to the gauge that clearly indicated that the extinguisher was not fully charged. My landlord said, "That don't mean nothin'!" He insisted that the extinguisher worked fine, and "proved" it to me by squirting it inside the living room.
Nevertheless, I did not want to keep it and I showed him that I had bought a new one. Since I didn't want the undercharged fire extinguisher, the landlord said, "Alright; I'll take it."
CALLING BULLSHIT ON SCIENCE
Over 20 years ago, I was having a phone conversation with a friend. I mentioned to him that I had just watched a fascinating documentary about how scientists were studying various ways to slow down the aging process. My friend (who did not see the program) said "That's all bullshit!"
He must be incredibly smart to instantly deduce that it's "all bullshit" from the one-sentence description I had given him!
This is the same genius who I mentioned in two other stories on this thread: the one with the "Set your alarm" advice and also the one who failed to grasp my point about John Wayne.
LAST MINUTE SHOPPER
Suppose you're an idiot and you want to go shopping, and you arrive at a store 2 minutes before their posted closing time. Upon dicovering that the front door is locked from the inside, you yell and pound on the door! "Open until 8 PM" means open until 8 PM! It's an outrage that they won't let you into the store when it's officially supposed to be open!
Yes, I've actually seen someone do that.
STUPID MILLENIUMS
When a friend of mine was having his car serviced, he overheard one of the garage's employees say "These milleniums don't even know what they're protesting!"
MISSING THE POINT
I was never a fan of John Wayne. A few years ago I learned that the Duke was a white supremacist, so now I like him even less.
About 20 years ago, I did not yet know about John Wayne's overt racism, but I knew that he was a warmonger. I had learned all those years ago that although Wayne was a warmonger, he never served in any war or even tried to enlist. He was a hypocrite on top of it all!
Shortly after having learned about John Wayne's hypocrisy, I mentioned it to a friend in a phone conversation. I said: "Did you know that John Wayne never once enlisted in any branch of the military?"
My dimwit friend replied: "So? You never enlisted in any branch of the military either!"
I'm a middle class white male boomer who, in the US public school system, read "1984", "Animal Farm", "The Prince" and other books under the guidance of teachers who had read "It can't happen here" and "All the Kings Men" etc. With WWII still in mind our History teachers explained fascisms' rise in Spain under Franco, Italy under Mussolini and Germany under the Big H. We were innoculated but, Hell... we were cut from different stuff than those European lemmings, we were individuals who could spot assholes from a mile a way and buck the dumbell groups that followed them. Roll forward about 50 years and... Trump!?
Not only that but, and I swear I'm not making this up, the whole county lived under what felt like a four year Jerry Springer special on a trailer park trash circus lead by a pathological liar and sociopath who even _vogued_ as Mussolini and... wait for it, here comes the stupid part... 75 million of them voted to re-elect him.
SHAKESPEARE DID NOT HAVE A FIRST NAME
This story is about a stupid piece of computer software. In the 1980's, my family owned a Commodore computer (a popular home computer before PCs eclipsed them). I remember playing a poorly designed trivia game on that was included on a floppy disc. One of the questions was: "Who was the author of 'Hamlet'?"
I typed: "William Shakespeare".
The computer responded: "Wrong. The correct answer is: Shakespeare."
On that particular question, if you type the author's last name only, the computer says you're right. If you type the author's full name, the computer says you're wrong.
CLUELESS DENTIST
Years ago, I was having a wisdom tooth removed. The dentist gave me an insufficient amount of novacain before she started working on me, so I was not numb. When she stuck me with a sharp instrument, the pain was so intense that I jumped up out of the chair!
The dentist said, "Sir, you're going to have to sit still."
Of course, without sufficient novacain, I couldn't sit still. Why the hell did she think I jumped out of the chair?
CONSPIRACY NUT WHO WON'T LISTEN
Here is a paraphrased conversation I had several years ago with a conspiracy nut.
CONSPIRACY NUT: "They have a cure for cancer but they're keeping it a secret because they want to keep making money from chemo treatments."
ME: "In order for that to be true, it would mean that..."
CONSPIRACY NUT: "Of course it's true! They can't make money from chemo treatments any more if cancer goes away, so they don't want us to know that they have a cure."
ME: "But for that to be true, every..."
CONSPIRACY NUT: "It is true! Why would they want to cure cancer if they know they can make more money with chemo treatments?"
ME: "But in order for a cure to be kept a secret, there would..."
CONSPIRACY NUT: "It's true! It's definitely true! Don't you know how much money they make from chemo treatments?"
That conspiracy nut is a first-class debater! He eloquently refuted my argument by constantly interrupting me so that I couldn't state what it was. (Has anyone else had a similar discussion with a conspiracy nut?)
ANTI-HUMOR BOSS
Years ago, I worked for a very high-strung and uptight boss. She often freaked out over innocent jokes and harmless playful quips. (I never told ethnic jokes, nor did I ever use vulgarity or insult humor of any kind.) She once said to me, "You're not being paid to fool around all day."
My job was running recreation activities for residents in an adult home.
So, if anyone else wants my old position, be aware that you must always be serious and somber when you're running Bingo games, doings arts and crafts, playing board games or putting together jigsaw puzzles. Humor of any kind will be seen as "inappropriate" and "unprofessional".
P.S. There was one occasion when this same boss suggested that I talk to a psychiatrist or therapist about my habit of cracking jokes.
THRIFT SHOP NEATNESS FREAK
Decades ago, I was browsing in a small thrift shop and I found a cardboard box filled with neatly folded men's shirts. I started to look through the box to see if there was any shirt that I might want to buy. The shirts in the box were various sizes, colors and styles; so I had to rummage through them to see if there was any shirt that I might want. An elderly female employee suddenly asked me to stop looking through the box because she had spent a lot of time carefully folding and stacking the assortment of shirts.
I said nothing, as I didn't know if it was possible to explain the absurdity of her request. How did she expect any customer to buy a shirt from that box if it was such a high priority to keep it neat? Maybe she would have liked the shirts to have been left untouched indefinitely, never to be purchased by anyone, because keeping them neat was much more important than selling any of them.
STUPID EXCUSE FOR LITTERING
"It came from the earth and I'm giving it back to the earth." I actually heard someone say that and he was not joking.
DITTOHEAD SAID BILL CLINTON INHERITED REAGAN'S ECONOMY
I used to ride buses a lot during the 1990's. I occasionally encountered a talkative dittohead who routinely spouted some ridiculous pro-Republican and anti-Democratic opinions.
On one occasion, I overheard the dittohead saying that people who had been giving credit to then-President Bill Clinton for a good economy were failing to realize that Bill Clinton did nothing for the economy: he totally inherited a strong economy from Ronald Reagan.
So, if that gentleman's history is correct, Bill Clinton's presidency began immediately after the Reagan presidency; and the economy was doing great since Day 1 of the Clinton presidency because it was a continuation of the economy strengthened by the previous administration: that of Ronald Reagan.
"NOT INTO POLITICS" BUT VOTES ANYWAY
Years ago, a co-worker told me that after having seen Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911", he came to realize what a terrible "bum" then-President George W. Bush was. Had he known, he said he never would have voted for him.
I asked this fellow if there was something that he had liked about Bush when he had voted for him. He replied, "Not really." Then I asked if there was something he disliked about Al Gore. Same answer: "Not really." I suggested to this gentleman that before the next election, he could take some time to examine the local newspaper's voters' guide to learn about all the candidates' positions and records.
He said, "I'm not into politics."
Bit of a sad one here. Sitting down in an open-air cafe, I was joined by a man clearly suffering mental health problems. He was quite friendly but seemed lonely and anxious and after a while he began telling me about all this wisdom he'd learned from a certain website. It was clear to me that this was far-right conspiracy stuff, all jumbled up with astrology and other kookbabble - also clear that he had no real handle on it whatsoever, didn't even realise it was antisemitic. He just wanted to be in the know about something, and to have friends and affection (everything about him screamed this). He'd come out with his theories the night before in a pub and unsurprisingly someone had punched him. I suggested he start looking at a wider range of websites for his information, but of course he'll just find similar sites.
Despite the hatefulness of the ideas he'd picked up, I couldn't feel anger towards him, just pity. Give him a few more years and he'll be completely groomed and probably leading antivax protests. He was British but he made me wonder how many MAGA are this type, deep down under all the macho shouting: sad, lonely and dysfunctional.
A friend of mine stopped quick to avoid a child who ran across the street.
The man behind her couldn’t stop fast enough and rear ended her car.
He got out and started to berate her for stopping too fast. He calmed down once she told him about the child.
I would have given him a blast for following too close.
DICTIONARY VS. DICK
An individual once told me that in spelling, it's always "I before E except after C unless sounded like A as in neighbor and weigh."
I told him that there are a few exceptions, such as the word "seize" which is spelled with the E first. The self-proclaimed spelling wiz adamantly insisted that "seize" is spelled with the I first. I then got out a dictionary and showed him that the word is spelled with the E before the I.
He told me that the dictionary was wrong.
In the early 90s I took a bargain flight from JFK to Paris on an Indian or Pakistani airline.
I had an allocated seat near the front of the plane. To my surprise when I went to put on the seat belt, I found it wouldn't fasten. Looking around, I saw no other available seats on the plane. Surely we can't take off with a broken seat belt, can we?
When I pointed this out to a steward, he reassured me that everything was okay by repeating, "No problem! No problem!" several times. I flew to Paris with no seatbelt.
Something to remember in the future. Some problems can be magically solved merely by repeating the words, "No problem!"
I have one similar to the Laundromat man.
A couple of months ago I was in a cafe.
I noticed that in one area someone had broken a wine glass and there were pieces of glass on the floor. I thought I'd better point this out to the barista.
The response? That's going to get vaccumed at the end of the day.
An acquaintance of mine ripped out the interior of his nice tourer caravan, before acknowledging that he hadn't the skill to refit it.